Struggling.

As my title suggests I am struggling right now.  After finally being successful getting DH tested, the results came and they were not what we expected.  I will put it this way, I was at work and had to run to the bathroom to cry, a coworker found me and told me I should go home. I stayed for maybe 20 minutes and basically ran out of there because I was sick to my stomach.  He has been doing EVERYTHNG right for the past 6 months and to get these results just rocked me to the core.   We meet at the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and did so me retail therapy shopping.  I calmed down a little.  But still shaken the next day.  On top of that, AF was three days late. I had the peak phase of 15 days!  I guess the progesterone is working!  Thankfully it did not mess up the timing of everything else. 

This cycle I am finally getting the ultrasound servers done.  No place near me would do it, so every afternoon I will be taking off early and driving to the closet place that I know will do it.  It will be a long two weeks, thanking my DH will come a couple of times.   We are making a weekend of it and going to some wineries we haven't been to in a while. Right after the series is done, I have my follow up appointment, so I am looking forward to getting answers. 

There is a lot going on right now in my life in general.  I am seeing a counselor which I am glad to be doing, but I don't know if it is helping much.  I will give it a few more months. I am struggling at work and hope to be able to quit soon.   In addition DH has a bunch of stuff.  For those who follow the FB group please keep praying. 

On the plus side my patio is finally started!  I hope to host something so so I can enjoy it!

Sorry for not posting in a while.  I cannt make any promised of when I will post again, but know dear readers you are all in my prayers. I ask for prayers as well.

News and Reflections

Hello all!  Welcome to those who are viewing my blog from the Infertility Awareness Post!  

****Warning this is a long post****

I know last post I promised to write more, but then life happened.  It really happened.  I got a kindey stone and spend over a month in pain and discomfort.  Two surgeries later it was removed and I started to feel better by mid-March.  

I have had a lot happen over the past two and a half months.  I updated my Our Journey So Far with the basic details.  I realized  I had not update that page in a while.  I will give more detail account here and reflections as I go.  

Ultrasound Results:

It was not good news I am sad to say.  They found another LUF, which means I am most likely not ovulating at all.  This hit me really hard.   I was in the middle of having a kidney stone, about to have surgery to get it removed and now this hit me.  I couldn't deal with it to be honest.  I told my DH and flat out said I am not ready to think about this.   The proposed treatment plan is this: 

Menotropin Protocol

Begin with one 75 IU ampule of Repronex (LH/FSH).
1) Administer 75 IU intramuscularly once a day from day 3 through day 7 of your cycle.
2) On P-6, you will need to get estradiol blood levels drawn every other day, until P+12 (roughly 10 blood draws per cycle).
3) Beginning on P-2, you will need to have an ultrasound to evaluate the number and size of the follicles stimulated. You will need another ultrasound on P+3. Contact your provider on P+1 or P+2 so that this can be scheduled. It may be necessary to have additional ultrasounds. Your provider will inform you if additional ultrasounds are recommended.
4) You will need an additional blood draw on P+7 for both Estradiol and Progesterone..
5) Continue to chart with CrMS.
6) If you are instructed to use HCG to trigger ovulation, you will administer 10,000 units intramuscularly when directed.
7) Administer any post-peak prescription medications according to your charting and not according to the ultrasounds.
8) Your provider may adjust your dose to 150 IU, if so, administer 150 IU intramuscularly once a day from day 3 through day 7 of your cycle. Only do this if you have been instructed to increase your dose.

My question to the blogger out there, have you seen this type of protocol before?  My doctor told me she has not had much success with femara when I asked about doing that instead.  This will be like a full time job to do and I am just not ready.  On top of that, I want to be 100% sure I am having LUF's and not complex cysts, so I am going to do an ultrasound series.  That is a whole different story, but it won't be until May at this point!

Reflecting on that - I had to ask my self why did I do the surgery in the first place??  Well I do have normal cycles now - 28 days!!! The cramps have been reduced, and I can better predict my cycles.  So I guess I am glad I did the surgery, I would not have know about the LUF's if I didn't for probably another 6 months.   I don't regret it.  The surgery was healing for me.  I just am on unsure footing now that we my not be able to conceive without heavy amounts of drugs.   We know we must discern if we even want to do that.   Only time or prayers will tell.  

Tyroid Results:
First here are my results:

My TSH is too high for TTC, I know that.  The real problem according to my napro doctor is my T3 and reverse T3 ratio is 5.8, well below the 10 ratio she looks for.  So you asked me to do the A-Z symptom checklist and monitor my temperatures and pulse.  Well at first I was like no. Then after thinking about I changed my mind.  I am doing the monitoring this cycle, but I know my average body temperature is below 98.2, so I know I will be switching.  I am going to see the doctor who has been monitoring my thyroid one more time to check in with her and let her know what is going on.  

I was hesitant at first because I have thyroid problems for so long and I really like my other doctor.  But as I thought about it more, I am tired of the headaches, tired of being cold all the time, and being tired of  being tired.  So I decided to give this a chance.

Blood work panel
Due to my kidney stone, i had to to this over three cycles.  (Well two put I skipped a cycle due not charting.)  It turns about that I have a Type III luteal phase defect.  So I will on progesterone P+5 to P+12 this cycle.  (Prometrium 200 mg).  I will see what happens.  

Other treatments  
Based on conversations in the facebook group, I decided to ask the doctor about starting low dose Naltrexone since I have a lot of the things it treats.  I have PCOS, Endometriosis, fatigue, low mood, anxiety, and autoimmunity disease (Hashimoto's Disease).  My doctor did not think I needed it for the brown bleeding, but willing to try to it for other things.  I started it today and boy did it give me a headache.  I was unable to make Mass/adoration tonight because of it, which saddened me.  But I am catching up on my blog which is a form of reflection!  

Also, my glucose is fine!  No need to go back on Metformin.  At this I can cross that off my list!  

DH
DH is still taking his vitamins, and we hope to do testing this cycle or next.  We both have to be healthy. 

Thoughts
I have so much to say right here, but I think I will save a lot of my deep reflecting for another post.  Even through I may have LUF's I want to get my biomarkers off my chart and I want to feel overall better.  I think I need to body the best shot if and when I do the protocol.  It is a lot to take in all at once and I am slowly working through it all.  As I was talking to my mom, she said I use to be healthy.  And yeah 6 or 7 years ago I was, but I think my thyroid starting getting much worse about that time.   I hate being on so many medications, but if they make me feel human again then I am willing.    

Decisions

DH and I decided to book a cruise in October for our 5th wedding anniversary. Rebecca was actually the one who helped me to decide.  We know it is a long time away and we know we can't go if I am 24 weeks or more, but we cannot just wait around.  The way I figure it is if I get pregnant in the next couple of months then we cancel and we get to stay home and prepare for a baby!  Yea!  Not bad at all. If I am pregnant but not that far along and it is safe for me it can be a celebration to new life and I won't spend as much on wine.  If I am not pregnant we celebrate 5 years together and enjoy ourselves.  Already a win win situation.   It was a big decision way in the future that in the past I could never have done.  But Rebecca told me once that we can't put our lives on hold.  Yes I might have to cancel a vacation I am looking forward to but we will be welcoming a new life into our family and to be me that is okay.  

That leads me to telling about how I have been doing since surgery.  I recovered In about three to four weeks.   I had to go to work part time for a week but then I was fine. I only started wearing real jeans a couple of weeks ago.  Thank you all for your prayers during that time.  I definitely felt them.  

We had our follow up in December that I left that appointment feeling a bit discouraged.  One thing she found was  a cyst on my ovaries that she thought could be a LUF.  I was terrified. But she said let's do more tests and blood work before we come to any conclusions.  So I had my marching orders to do p+3,5,7,9, and 11.  Also get a U/S done at p+3.   So I was supposed to do that cycle.  Life happened and I couldn't get it done.  So I am currently doing those now.  DH and I are having timing issues either I am having a sore day or he is or others things.  Hopefully we will be able to TTC. this next cycle. 

Speaking of cycles since surgery.  They have been 28 days. I am super excited about this because they have never been this short.  I am not on metephmin right now so I am think the surgery at leat got my cycles under control.  But the tebb is still there and I am still cramping badly.  Now I also am getting ovulatin pain.   At least I am noticing it some.  I am hoping the cramping goes away next cycle.  If not I am not sure what can be done.   I am doing cycles reviews now so I am getting answers. On a random note a switched to using natrucare products and I am loving them. They are more expense but I think it is worth it.  

I am also going to the girls weekend that Donna is planning from What if God Says No.  I am super excited to meet more people from my computer and see friends.  Woohoo!  

One last though before I go. Today is my birthday and I will be the same age as Jesus when he saved us on the cross. That gives me hope.  

I hope to be better about posting.  

Power of the Chart, Advice needed, and prayer request.

So I have been meaning to write this post for two weeks now, and I have simply not had time to write it yet.  So I am going to take a shot at it.  Bare with me if my thoughts are random and all over the place I have a lot on my mind.

Power of the Chart: 
 
Three weeks ago, I went to see a new doctor, two hours away get a second opinion about the next steps.  I knew going in that I would need surgery, in fact that is why I went to see her in the first place.  My other doctor did not want to seem to even do a diagnostic surgery yet, even through we had been going to her for over a year.  So it was time for a change.   I was mentally ready for surgery, at this a diagnostic to find out if  I have endo and how bad.  But what I got was something not expected.

My new doctor, Dr. H, is super nice.  She spent over 30 minutes reviewing my charts with me, asking me questions about what each thing was and fixing errors I made.  She figured out how long my cycles were, how many days each cycle I had of TEBB both at the end of my cycle and period, and really spent time looking over it.   She was concerned about my TEBB, something my other doctor did not really seem to notice.  She was concerned about my long periods and the fact that I tend to ovulate on day 28.   After telling I had going on, she flat out recommended MAJOR surgery.  She recommended a ovarian wedge for me.  I knew of this, but I did not think I was a candidate since I am now ovulating at least 6 times a year.  I explained this to her, but she said that because I am ovulating extremely late, that I would be a good candidate to shorten my periods and help me to ovulate much more normally.    She explained what is done and why it works.  She uses a robot to assist her, so there is no large incision, so my recovery is only two weeks.   She of course would check for endo, remove all endo she finds, and check my tubes.  She also is going to take cultures to figure out my TEBB.  (If she finds it, it is three week of antibiotics for both DH and me, plus the first 10 days of every cycle for the next 6 cycles.  Oh joy!)  After thinking about it, we knew we came there for surgery, so we decided to go forward with it.  So next Thursday, November 14, I am having surgery.   My recovery will be two weeks or 6 weeks depending on what she finds.  I have given her permission to make the large incision to clear out any endo she can't use a robot for.  I figure I am already having surgery, I don't want to come back.  So let's do it.  She assures me that it takes a lot for her to have to, so that makes me hopeful.

Why did I title this the power of the chart?  Mainly because she mainly looked at my chart to determine what was going on.  She did do an examine, but she did not need to do anything more than that.  No ultrasound (which makes me nervous, because I am not 100% convinced I even have PCOS, but she said she was sure based on my chart and my symptoms.  She also said she can tell when she does the diagnostic part to be sure.), no more diagnostic testing, just going right to surgery to figure out the problems.   I have grown a lot to0, a year ago I was not ready for surgery, in fact I pretty much said no.   But now I am ready, I want to find out what is wrong and fix it now.  

Advice needed

Now I know many people who read this blog have gone through this surgery before.  I will have to be the hospital for at least one night (three nights if she has to make a large incision).  I am supposed to be on a clear diet the day before.  What do you recommend?  I am nervous about that.  I also would like advice on what to wear right after I am released and what I should expect recovery wise.  I am skeptical that it will only be two weeks.  Is recovery for robot assisted surgery only two weeks?  What is your experience? Any and all advice about this would be helpful.  Thank you in advance.

Prayer Request

Most importantly, I ask for your prayers.  Not only that the surgery goes well, but it is healing.   Also that it is only a two week recovery.  I also ask for prayer about paying for it, the cost is a little uncertain at the moment, because she might have a lot to do, so please pray that we have enough saved for it.   I am nervous but hopeful.

I am not sure when I will blog again, this weekend will be busy getting the house cleaned and buying stuff I need.  I will blog as soon as I can after surgery.  I will also update the facebook group as soon as possible, so for those there you might find out sooner.  

Finally, I am go grateful for this "community."  I am feeling your prayers already :)  Thank you for being there for each of us in our time of need.  Please know I will be praying for you as well and offering up my sufferings for each one of you. 

TTC and Candy Crush

It has been a while since I posted and while I do have a serious post to write sometime soon, this one has been in my head for a while and thought it would be good to post it.  As I was playing candy crush the parrellels of TTC and the game kept coming to me.  Now many of you I know play the game so feel free to add your own two cents worth, for those who don't play think about any game.



 DISCLAIMER:  I have based this off my own experience so far, I know each person's journey is different and your timeline is different, but this is mine so far.  I know many people do surgery early on but I hope everyone can relate in someway to this. 

Starting out TTC  - early levels of Candy Crush
It is is easy, you are flying through the levels with very little troubles.  When we first start out  in our TTC journey's we feel the same way, this will be easy, in a couple of months we will be pregant, we might hit a small challenge timing one month but we move on quickly.

Six months in - a little harder level
We are six months in and something in not right, we haven't gotten pregrant.  We can hear our biological clocks start to tick.  This in Candy Crush is when we might have to try a couple of times on the same level, maybe even run out of lives, but we wait and see.

1 year in - first really hard level
Now we having been TTC for a year, we are IF.  We must decide do we wait it out a little longer or it is time to ask for help.  This is the first level of Candy Crush that really stumps us, we can be on it for days (not weeks yet, we are getting to that).  We are tempted to buy our way to the next level, pay for those extra moves, but we don't.  We ask friends for help, we make that appointment with the doctor, life is going to be okay.

a few months later- another hard level
We made the appointment, we got the initial tests done, now it is time for a game plan.  We must decide our level of commtiment at this point, do we just focus on getting heathly or do we try Clomid (or other drugs).  This is when you hit the next hard level, and you must make a decision to go forward and get those extra bosters, moves, or just keep trying with your current tools.  You might make minor adjustments but overall it stays the course.

2 years -3 years of TTC-  really into harder levels and every level is now
You have been doing treatment for over a year, now is the time to make a harder decision, do you keep using the tools you have or do you go the extra step (surgery).  Each level of the game is hard at the end each game you must make a decision.  Can I do this with my current skill level or do I need more help.  Every cycle is decision time, do we try another cycle on this treatment or is it time to move on. Do we need more help then initially thought.  This is where we are and we have decided it is time to do surgery and see what is inside and fix a problem.  (I promise I will write a full post on this soon.)

Beyond three years- the levels I am not at yet
I cannot speak beyond three years.  DH are at the point of making those hard decisions.  In Candy Crush I am stuck at a level for several months, but I think you get the picture.  As we are on our journeys it only seems to get harder as we make it through each month/level.  We question what we are doing wrong, we look to change something, and we get stuck.    We try things we are comfortable with in move on, but at some point we have to make even tougher decisions. 

I hope you enjoyed reading :)  I hope to most more frequently now that I am back.  

I posted this as a comment on Rebecca's blog, but I thought I would post it here as well.  I love this song!  So true on this IF journey.


I hope this video works. 

Why think about things?

Wow it has been a while since I have posted and the last post was so negative.  We just got back from a week at the beach and the weather was great.  I have not had much time to think about things.  I take that back, I have had plenty of time; I just haven't been for many reasons.  Before I plunge into why I don't want to think about things, I wanted to catch up on two things: doctor’s visit and spiritual direction.

Doctor’s visit:
This is the first time I have been back to my doctor since I meet all you wonderful ladies about there struggling with IF and learned so much more about what I am going through.  While I know that no two people are the same just reading everyone’s blogs and talking to people and meeting people in person gave me a lot of encouragement.  It also made me realize that I need to take things more seriously and ramp up my treatments and really figure out what is going on.
So I made a list, my charts were ready to go, I had lots of questions.  I read off my list of questions, the doctor calming answered each one but then switched topics.  I asked about surgery she said another two cycles of clomid!  I wanted to scream but I am terrible when it comes to speaking my mind with a doctor, I don’t know what it is but I just cannot do it.  I also asked her about a glucose test and she basically ignored my question.  So I left feeling very defeated, I knew that I did not want to do clomid before surgery, so I had some decisions to make.
After talking to over with DH we decided to go get a second opinion with a true Napro Doctor.  I had two choices because of where I leave, but we went with instate because the office is in our network and easier to get to.  I have an appointment in October and I am super excited.  This is a big step for me.  I just hope it is the right move.

Spiritual Direction
I went to see my spiritual director a couple of weeks ago and he was happy to see that I am improving, notice I did not use the word better.  Better to me means I can stop and but everything on a shelf and deal with in 10 years later, which is what I have done in the past (or just sort of walked away from things).  In 10 years it will be to later, I will not be able to do anything about it.  In order to carry the cross of IF I must face my past, without healing the cross will be to heavy to bear and I must do it now.   The journey ahead is long, but I know I must take it and I must walk it with Jesus who will help me along the way.  But I am not alone either, I have this great community online to support me along the way and I have my DH who will support me.  I can do this, I must do it, and the time is right.
Fr. also said that I am becoming more confident about myself.  One thing I had learned over the past month is that I am always seeking approval; I always want to do the right thing.   My filter of the world is that I have to prove myself.  But that is not the case and I must not only say the words but act it as well.  I must begin to just accept my work for what it is and not compare myself to others. 
Father also said that the healing come, it can jump all over, but don’t ignore it, but don’t force the direction.  God will heal the parts that need healing in the order they need healing.  Of course I don’t like that, but I know it is true.  Now that I have spent a lot of time looking back at middle school and realizing a bunch of stuff, the next step I a bit foggy as to what is next.  So when I do get around to taking time to pray about it more, I will just let God do the work.  Overall it was a good session, too bad that I have not thought much about it, which leads me to the title of this blog.

Why think about things…
I have come to the conclusion that this journey into my past and into deeply thinking about IF is painful.  I have always known it to be, but recently when I have not been thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that not thinking about it is way easier.   I know this is exactly what I have done in the past and I see why, it is easy, it does not involve tears, and most of all I can do it.  Like CD1 came while at the beach and I did not stress about it, I just wish it had held off for a few days but I knew it was coming.  I didn’t think about what it means, who what is does not mean.  I just let it be.  But as you can see, I am falling into the trap of not thinking about it, ignoring the problem, and just walking away.
I tried to think about things at the beach, but I couldn’t get focused, I was having such a relaxing time that I just want to let it go.  So I did.  But I need to think about things, as Father pointed out to be, I am at a good place.  I am motivated to heal, my heart is ready, and I cannot let just a couple of weeks of not thinking about ruin that.  I am still in a good place, I am still motivated, and I still need healing. 
I need to think about things so that I can heal.  I need to heal so that I am ready for when I do get pregnant to be in a good emotional state. I need to think about things so that so I carry the IF cross, really carry it is not too heavy because I am stronger now than I was.  I need to think about things because God has been trying to prepare me to carry this cross for a  long time and I have not been paying attention until now.
Why think about things?  I think so that I can carry my cross.  So I can draw my strength from God and say at end of this journey, whatever it may be, I walked it with God.  I think that is a pretty darn motivating reason.



Thanks for reading and as always I ask for prayers. 

Assumption of Mary

I wanted to write something, anything about Mass on Thursday.  So to go to my Parrish can be painful enough with all the large families around and pregnant women, but normally I don't cry, I can focus on the alter and I am good.  We stopped doing donuts afterwards because I cannot eat them, so it has been good.

Thursday was different.  I knew I was in trouble when the priest begins his homily by saying I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the mothers out there.   It got worse from there.  He goes on to talk all about the joy he has had going to visit new mothers on the hospital and seeing their joy.  He goes on to talk about babies as a happy intrusion and how wonderful it is that they are open to life and seeing the visible sign of their union of their love.   Then it gets worse.

The priest goes on to talk about all the large families in our parish.  How one mother said she will be carrying one in each arm and having two hanging onto her legs.  He talks about how wonderful it is to have so many large families.  You get the drift.

So my the time he gets to Mary as our Mother I have am completely defeated.  I don't even remember the positive message he did have about Mary because I was in tears, yes tears.  I don't generally cry at Mass but that day I did.   I couldn't even say high to Father after Mass, I was afraid of what I would say to him.  Priests need to understand that not everyone can be mothers who want to be mothers and a Homily like that is hurtful.  I want a happy intrusion in my life!  I want him to come visit me at the hospital and see my joy.   I want a large family!  My dreams and hopes are shattered every month/cycle.  As the time ticks by I know that large family is less and less likely, but I still have to  hold onto hope for my first.  It is hard.  It is painful.  I don't need a reminder of that pain when I go to Mass. 

I am tempted to write this Priest  a letter.  He knows me, so I letter might be a good idea to remind him to be sensitive to those of us who cannot have children but are open to life.  I know he cannot specifically write a homily for every person in the parish, but I felt very defeated and left out.  I am not sure I have the guts to say anything through.

Ladies (and gentleman) I need your opinions! Would you write the letter?  How do you deal with Homilies like the one I described?  I need prayers as well.  I am in the two week wait right now and I am not feeling very hopeful this time.  (I will be writing about my disappointing doctor's appointment later as well)

Catching up

I realize that I haven't written much about what is currently going on with me.  So for this post I am taking a break from reflecting and talking about the present and future.   Since I seem to have a lot to say, I will do it in bullet form. 

• I go to Dr. C. on Friday.  I am a little nervous because we were unable to do the SA earlier.  I am making DH come so he can explain why it did not get done.  I am also hoping that she will move forward in planning.  I have a list of things to discuss with her that I want her to comment on or do.  It might be time to go a different route and go to a NaPro doctor instead.
• I had a great weekend spending time with other couples in the same page as me from my Facebook group.  The host, Stephanie from Chateau d'IF at first thought I was crazy to come.  We had to drive almost 4 ½ hours to get there, but we had a great time.  In my area it could take 4 hours just to go 60 miles, so the drive was worth it.  The food was awesome and I could eat 90% of it!  (More on that later).  It was awesome spending more time with Rebecca from The Road Home!  She was so kind to let us stay at her house and I needed the extra girl time.  She is an awesome women who inspires me. 
•  My diet is going great, almost too good.  I have lost a little too much weight but I feel great.  I am doing Gluten/Soy free.  I love cheese and ice-cream to much to give those up.  My thyroid seems to be responding as well. 
• We are going on vacation at the end of the month and I can’t wait!  One week at the beach is exactly what I need right now.  Work has been very difficult lately, there has been a ton of changes that I am feeling very looked over and worried about.  I moved desk about a month and a half ago and since then I feel out of the loop.  Also I am having major self-esteem issues because I am not being asked to do things that I feel I can do and should be doing.  Not only that but my immediate supervisor is hard to talk to and does not always answer e-mail.  I am grateful for the job but I am quickly getting bored and frustrated with it.  I don’t need my work to be stressful!  I quit teaching because of the stress level and self-esteem issues and now it is coming back.  I know there is a logical explanation for everything, but I feel left out and like I have done something wrong.  It is not helping me heal and certainly not helping my confidence with IF.   I over analyze everything and make connections that are not there. 
•  I am taking a 3-week class on the Mass and I love it.  In fact I might be crazy but I am thinking about getting my catechist certificate because it would help me teach CCD and I just love learning about my faith.  It is so interesting and I like being in school, it give me purpose when I come hope instead of just sitting around watching TV. 
• Finally I get to see my spiritual director on Sat.  I cannot wait to talk to him and get insight into everything that has been going on.  I will differently write something about next week. 

 That pretty much is what is going on.  I ask for prayers as always.

Middle School sucks!

Middle school is such an awkward age for anyone.  I was a middle school teacher and I saw that everyday.  Everyone wants to fit, everyone wants to get by, and everyone just wants to be "cool."  That "cool" has changed a lot over the years.  But this blog is supposed to be about me, so time to plunge into my middle schools years.

I was walker had been since kindergarden.  I hated walking to school because the boys that lived in my neighborhood also walked (obviously) and would tease me on the way to and from school, at school and anytime they saw me.  What did they tease me about you ask?  My speech.  Remember in my last post how I said I need to pick up my cross, well I reason I left it behind was simply because it hurt to much and I thought I grew out of it.  I look back and I didn't let my speech stop me.  I just didn't.  I started riding horses more and I loved it, I made friends that stuck up for me, and I just got by.  Yet every tease hurt, every laugh cut into me, every comeback I did made it worse.  How do I know, because it stills hurts today.

The logical, adult me says it was just them fitting in.  But my heart hurts.  It set up me up to question everything.  It set me up to feel vulnerable when I have to speak, it set me up to question when I cannot do something.  It has me asking, can I do this?  This cross is fundamental to who I am today, yet I never truly allowed myself to carry it fully, because it hurts.  It hurts because of how much pain it caused me in middle school.  I don't even know the wounds anymore because they are deep and scarred over.  

Deep down I just wanted to be accepted for who I am, but instead I tried to do things to make me more likable.  I did not accept who I was, I did not accept that my speech problems were part of me, that I need to be careful what I said, slow down, and work on it.  Sure I had to go to speech but I hated it.  I just wanted to avoid it and pretend it was not there.  But it is, still is, and will always be.  

So now, as I face IF, I know speech has nothing to do with it, but IF is a cross as heavy as this one.  God was trying to help me carry it, preparing me, and I choose not to carry it.  I choose to move on without it.  It is time I carried it.  it is time that I surrender and let God help me carry it.  It is too heavy, and my scars are too deep to carry it on my own, so I surrender God.  I accept this cross, help me to carry it.

The cross is healing, I know that.  This cross that I now accept will help heal the wounds.  It will help make me whole, it will draw me closer to God.   This cross helps me see that middle school wounded me and shaped me in ways that I don't even know.   I need to heal and move on, if I ever want to be able to help middle and high school students, I need to be stronger then them. 

I am so fragile right now, I am in so much pain.  But it is a good pain, it is a healing pain.  It is me accepting who I was and who God is making me to be.  I need to carry this cross, because while it is heavy it is my cross to carry.  

I ask for your prayers as I continue this healing journey so that I may love more.