Middle School sucks!

Middle school is such an awkward age for anyone.  I was a middle school teacher and I saw that everyday.  Everyone wants to fit, everyone wants to get by, and everyone just wants to be "cool."  That "cool" has changed a lot over the years.  But this blog is supposed to be about me, so time to plunge into my middle schools years.

I was walker had been since kindergarden.  I hated walking to school because the boys that lived in my neighborhood also walked (obviously) and would tease me on the way to and from school, at school and anytime they saw me.  What did they tease me about you ask?  My speech.  Remember in my last post how I said I need to pick up my cross, well I reason I left it behind was simply because it hurt to much and I thought I grew out of it.  I look back and I didn't let my speech stop me.  I just didn't.  I started riding horses more and I loved it, I made friends that stuck up for me, and I just got by.  Yet every tease hurt, every laugh cut into me, every comeback I did made it worse.  How do I know, because it stills hurts today.

The logical, adult me says it was just them fitting in.  But my heart hurts.  It set up me up to question everything.  It set me up to feel vulnerable when I have to speak, it set me up to question when I cannot do something.  It has me asking, can I do this?  This cross is fundamental to who I am today, yet I never truly allowed myself to carry it fully, because it hurts.  It hurts because of how much pain it caused me in middle school.  I don't even know the wounds anymore because they are deep and scarred over.  

Deep down I just wanted to be accepted for who I am, but instead I tried to do things to make me more likable.  I did not accept who I was, I did not accept that my speech problems were part of me, that I need to be careful what I said, slow down, and work on it.  Sure I had to go to speech but I hated it.  I just wanted to avoid it and pretend it was not there.  But it is, still is, and will always be.  

So now, as I face IF, I know speech has nothing to do with it, but IF is a cross as heavy as this one.  God was trying to help me carry it, preparing me, and I choose not to carry it.  I choose to move on without it.  It is time I carried it.  it is time that I surrender and let God help me carry it.  It is too heavy, and my scars are too deep to carry it on my own, so I surrender God.  I accept this cross, help me to carry it.

The cross is healing, I know that.  This cross that I now accept will help heal the wounds.  It will help make me whole, it will draw me closer to God.   This cross helps me see that middle school wounded me and shaped me in ways that I don't even know.   I need to heal and move on, if I ever want to be able to help middle and high school students, I need to be stronger then them. 

I am so fragile right now, I am in so much pain.  But it is a good pain, it is a healing pain.  It is me accepting who I was and who God is making me to be.  I need to carry this cross, because while it is heavy it is my cross to carry.  

I ask for your prayers as I continue this healing journey so that I may love more.