Why think about things?

Wow it has been a while since I have posted and the last post was so negative.  We just got back from a week at the beach and the weather was great.  I have not had much time to think about things.  I take that back, I have had plenty of time; I just haven't been for many reasons.  Before I plunge into why I don't want to think about things, I wanted to catch up on two things: doctor’s visit and spiritual direction.

Doctor’s visit:
This is the first time I have been back to my doctor since I meet all you wonderful ladies about there struggling with IF and learned so much more about what I am going through.  While I know that no two people are the same just reading everyone’s blogs and talking to people and meeting people in person gave me a lot of encouragement.  It also made me realize that I need to take things more seriously and ramp up my treatments and really figure out what is going on.
So I made a list, my charts were ready to go, I had lots of questions.  I read off my list of questions, the doctor calming answered each one but then switched topics.  I asked about surgery she said another two cycles of clomid!  I wanted to scream but I am terrible when it comes to speaking my mind with a doctor, I don’t know what it is but I just cannot do it.  I also asked her about a glucose test and she basically ignored my question.  So I left feeling very defeated, I knew that I did not want to do clomid before surgery, so I had some decisions to make.
After talking to over with DH we decided to go get a second opinion with a true Napro Doctor.  I had two choices because of where I leave, but we went with instate because the office is in our network and easier to get to.  I have an appointment in October and I am super excited.  This is a big step for me.  I just hope it is the right move.

Spiritual Direction
I went to see my spiritual director a couple of weeks ago and he was happy to see that I am improving, notice I did not use the word better.  Better to me means I can stop and but everything on a shelf and deal with in 10 years later, which is what I have done in the past (or just sort of walked away from things).  In 10 years it will be to later, I will not be able to do anything about it.  In order to carry the cross of IF I must face my past, without healing the cross will be to heavy to bear and I must do it now.   The journey ahead is long, but I know I must take it and I must walk it with Jesus who will help me along the way.  But I am not alone either, I have this great community online to support me along the way and I have my DH who will support me.  I can do this, I must do it, and the time is right.
Fr. also said that I am becoming more confident about myself.  One thing I had learned over the past month is that I am always seeking approval; I always want to do the right thing.   My filter of the world is that I have to prove myself.  But that is not the case and I must not only say the words but act it as well.  I must begin to just accept my work for what it is and not compare myself to others. 
Father also said that the healing come, it can jump all over, but don’t ignore it, but don’t force the direction.  God will heal the parts that need healing in the order they need healing.  Of course I don’t like that, but I know it is true.  Now that I have spent a lot of time looking back at middle school and realizing a bunch of stuff, the next step I a bit foggy as to what is next.  So when I do get around to taking time to pray about it more, I will just let God do the work.  Overall it was a good session, too bad that I have not thought much about it, which leads me to the title of this blog.

Why think about things…
I have come to the conclusion that this journey into my past and into deeply thinking about IF is painful.  I have always known it to be, but recently when I have not been thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that not thinking about it is way easier.   I know this is exactly what I have done in the past and I see why, it is easy, it does not involve tears, and most of all I can do it.  Like CD1 came while at the beach and I did not stress about it, I just wish it had held off for a few days but I knew it was coming.  I didn’t think about what it means, who what is does not mean.  I just let it be.  But as you can see, I am falling into the trap of not thinking about it, ignoring the problem, and just walking away.
I tried to think about things at the beach, but I couldn’t get focused, I was having such a relaxing time that I just want to let it go.  So I did.  But I need to think about things, as Father pointed out to be, I am at a good place.  I am motivated to heal, my heart is ready, and I cannot let just a couple of weeks of not thinking about ruin that.  I am still in a good place, I am still motivated, and I still need healing. 
I need to think about things so that I can heal.  I need to heal so that I am ready for when I do get pregnant to be in a good emotional state. I need to think about things so that so I carry the IF cross, really carry it is not too heavy because I am stronger now than I was.  I need to think about things because God has been trying to prepare me to carry this cross for a  long time and I have not been paying attention until now.
Why think about things?  I think so that I can carry my cross.  So I can draw my strength from God and say at end of this journey, whatever it may be, I walked it with God.  I think that is a pretty darn motivating reason.



Thanks for reading and as always I ask for prayers.