Some Random Thoughts

Recently I have had a bunch of random thoughts floating around in my head and I thought I would take the opportunity to share some of them

• NEW DIET: I am on a new diet; well I am trying to be on a new diet.  I decided that I really should avoid soy/dairy (lactose)/gluten and see how I feel.  So far, it has been on of the hardest things I have ever done.  I am not doing it very well either.  I could easily avoid gluten and/or lactose as I have done a lactose free diet before.  However avoiding soy is extremely difficult.  I find that I cannot avoid it some days.  Today was especially bad day for the diet; I gave in and had a bagel at work with butter.  Today at lunch I got a chicken salad salad which I assumed was made of mayonnaise that had soy in it.  Sigh, I hope I do better tomorrow.

• CRAZY CYCLES: My cycle for the past two cycles as been crazy.  This cycle has been extremely hard so far; I had 8 days of spotting/light flow with mainly brown stuff, then BAM! the heavy stuff comes for three days.  I am hoping it is winding down now.  As much as I hated tamoxifen, especially the hot flashes, it did help with the cycles.  Granted, my cycles were 7 weeks on it, but at least I didn’t have mid-cycle spotting on a ton of brown bleeding.  Which leads me to think that I might truly have low progesterone, however because I started my cycle almost immediately after peak day, I could not do P+7 bloodwork again.  Sigh.

• NEXT STEPS: I am ready to continue treatments for infertility.  I am ready for the surgery that I should have had months ago, only problem is I can't go to the doctor until DH is tested.  This has been difficult to say the least, mainly due to my crazy cycles, it seems every time he schedule's it my cycle won't allow us to.  So instead of going this Friday like planned, because AF decided to be 14 days this cycle, we are going to try again in two weeks.  Please pray that we can actually do the test.  I will then go back to my doctor, with hopefully positive results ready for the next step.  I hope she is on the same page as me.  I rather do the surgery now, make sure everything is okay, before I try Clomid again.  She is my doctor so I will let her decide, but I am ready to do the surgery, which I wasn’t a few months ago, which leads me to my next thought.

• THE CROSS I CARRY: I have been struggling in my spiritual life for some time.  Most of you who will read this don’t know my history or where I have been, however do know that I have had a pretty patchy relationship with God for the past 8 years.   Recently, I have been working on healing.  I first need to let go of my anger at God for sending to religious life only to be asked to leave after 9 months.  I need to “forgive God” so to speak.  Yet I am finding that hard to do.  Not only that, but I need to stop trying to define myself by what I do and start accepting who I am to God.  I do not like myself.  There I said it, I don’t like who I am.  I feel like the best part me is trapped inside and won’t come out.  I am not sure when or if they person will come out.  I am not sure if I waiting to be a mother or if I am holding back for some other reason, but I feel trapped.  Infertility has of course complicated the matter.  Because I am struggling sometimes I feel that God is just waiting for me to figure everything out and then I will get pregnant.  But of course that actually how I think about life, not how God does.  I am always looking for that perfect moment to start a good prayer life, the perfect chance to talk to DH, the perfect chance to start this blog, eventually I just have to do it.  God knows when or if I will be a mom.  I just have to trust him.  Hmm, there is that trust thing again; I am having a hard time with that as well.   How can I trust God when I have been hurt so badly and this is just another cross I have to carry?  It is time that I actually face this cross instead of pretending it is not there or does not bother me.   I am finally starting to see the connections between my infertility and my struggle to accept myself.   I need to look at them together in order to heal, in order to be whole, in order to see myself as a Daughter of God.  I just want to feel whole again, but how can I feel whole when I am struggling with something as large as infertility?  How can I forgive God, when he gave me something else to be burden with?  I know that facing these things is part of my healing process.  A few months ago I was at a breaking point, where I just broke down and started crying because I realized how far away I was from God and how broken I was.  My tendency in the past has been to harden my heart and move on.  But not this time, I need to let this emotions be raw for a while, I need to truly heal this broken heart.  

Those are my random thoughts.  That last one is a heavy one on my heart.  It is something that I need to sit with and think/pray more about.  Getting it off my chest helps me get my thoughts together, thank you for reading.   Please pray as I continue my journey.