It has been over a week since I have even thought about most things. I am in the stage of better let things be and not think about it. However, that is unhealthy and not helping me towards my goal. My goal of healing, of seeing me as me and seeing good. On my way home from work as I was praying a rosary, I was mediating/thinking about the Agony in the Garden. That is where I am currently. I am in the Garden with Jesus, but I am not at the point of asking God to remove this pain if he is willing and accepting it if he is not, I am just in the sorrow. I am just in the pain. I don't want to accept it, yet I am not even asking God to remove it, I am just there. I don't know how else to describe it.
- Middle school years - I was the kid that everyone picked on because of my speech. I need to look at this and heal so that I can one day help middle school/high school students.
- High school/college - Just some friend stuff and being told I couldn't be an RA
- Asked to leave the convent - This one will take many, many posts. I need to look not only at the journey to get there but my time there, I need to let go and not be angry anymore
- Failing as a teacher - After teaching for four years unsuccesfully, I need to let go instead of holding on
- All the times I have been told no in little things- no explanation needed, we have all been there
Please pray for me as a make this journey. I hope to post at least once a week.
Oh Lora, I almost cried to read this because I have experienced so many of these feelings. Not in the same situations/experiences as you, but in a similar heart-sense, and so I feel that my heart hurts for you in my understanding of those deep, wounded places. I am so glad you shared these things, and your explanation of being in the garden and being "just in the pain" is achingly beautiful. Jesus is so tender to sit with us in our pain as long as it takes to be able to move us on into wholeness and healing. I am praying his healing work for you!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean! I have felt it, but not known how to describe it. Praying for you for healing, but also that Christ will be there with you while you are in that moment.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I learned when I was on retreat a couple of weeks ago is that sometimes we have to do just what you are describing here - sit in the pain, and allow God to work within us, right there in our pain. It was so freeing to me to be given permission to hurt (about so many other things, not just infertility).
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you as you sit in the Garden, that you will feel Him nearby and know He is with you in your suffering.