I know it has been a while since I posted. I have been doing a lot of thinking/praying recently about my past, my present, and my future. I have been pretty busy and haven't had to time to put into words all my thoughts floating around in my head. I did journal a few times (go me!) but what I write here is more general, more thought out sometimes.
In my last post I talked about being in the garden and the need for healing. I read an awesome quote today from scripture "When Isreal was a child, I loved him,... Yet it was I who taught E'phraim to walk, I took them up in my arms; but they did not that I heal them." (Hosea 11:1, 3) God is saying he takes me up in his arms to heal me yet I am unaware. Wow that is how I feel right now. That even through this path I take does not feel like healing but of pain, God is with me, healing me as I go. I know that it takes time to heal and I just need to trust.
I have been looking back on my past and realize that there is a trail of crosses that I have chosen to leave behind and not carry. I might have carried a few of them for a time, but when they were too heavy or just not wanted, I left them behind and moved on. Yet, Jesus tells us to pick up our crosses. So I realize in order to carry my current IF cross I have to pick up all the other crosses I have left behind. God tried to prepare me for this, but I did my own thing. But now I see that I must pick up these crosses.
My first cross I must pick up is the cross of my speech. With that all the pain it caused me and all the rejections because of it. Not everything that I was told NO to was as a direct result, but some are. It did cause be to asked not to lector at church! It did shut many doors during my discerning religious life, and it DID cause the unmistakable scars from middle school.
That is the topic of my next post... middle school.
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