A Time To Heal

Prayer:

"Lord, open my heart to see myself as you see me.  Help me to trust you, Lord that is there is a part of me that I cannot see.  Lord open my eyes."

That prayer came after a tearful, emotional session with my S.D.  I have an awesome spiritual director who has seen me thick and thin.  I always look forward to talking to Fr. E.A. but this past Saturday was just what I needed.  It was my first chance to talk to him about the amazing retreat I went on three weeks ago, in fact I surprised him because I didn't get a chance to tell him about it.  He was amazed about how much I had changed for the better.   After telling him all about the retreat the amazing revelations I had during it, the topic came up about how I am healing.

I was talking to him about how a lot of what is coming up stems from my infertility and how it is too much to bear.  I quoted him one of my favorite movies, "A walk to Remember" , Jamie says a line that has been resonating in my heart this week "I don't need a reason to be angry with God."   I basically feel like that, yet I have so many reasons to be angry, to not what to trust, to not want to turn to Him, when I need him the most.  I was doing okay, I moved on from being devastated, I moved on, I got married, we bought I house, we want a family, yet God gives me another cross to bear.   One that makes me realize that I am not okay, that I am not the person I am being called to be, that I buried that person 8 years ago and have not looked back. 

Infertility has made me realize how much I feel like a failure, how much I feel useless, how many mistakes I made.  That is where the prayer came from.  I once saw that women who God created to be lovable, to be joyful, to do His work, yet I have buried her so deep inside.   Now all I can see is my failures, and I can't see that person who I know is in there.  It is like the best part of me is trapped.  I cannot see any good right now.

Father asked me who was trapped, but would she look like.  As I started to talk about her, I realize that my dreams, my desires, are real.  What I long to do is not possible right now, yet I can use this time to heal.  I can dig deep and heal wounds.  I can open scarred over wounds that never healed probably to heal.  My pastor made a good point on Sunday.  He said only look back so that you can love God more and see his Mercy.  That is what I need to do.  I need to find God's love me again.   It is the same love that called me to explore religious life, it is the same love that allowed me to forgive a friend, it is the same love the brought me to Chris.  It is all around me, but I have a hard time seeing it right now.  

So I must continue on, trusting God.  Yeah that trust word.  That in itself is hard for me, but I know in my head that I can trust Him, I just need to let that trust work its way down to the heart.  So in this waiting period in life, I must use it to heal, to become whole again.  I must not waste this time,  I must allow healing to happen.  

I ask for prayers for all who read this.  My journey is just beginning, I know that, but I have come so far already.  I am new to this scene, but know I am praying for each one of you as well.