First Tuesday of Advent: "Hold Fast" - Mercy Me

CD1 hit on this day.  I was feeling rather down about myself.  I didnt' think we even TTC this cycle, but was still down.  It was the worst pain leading up to CD1 I have had in over a year and it was not stopping.  I felt really hopeless.  This song picked me up.    I love this video, the images are perfect.

The Video:

The Lyrics:

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

General Reflection:
How many times are we all been in that place that feels like there is no hope.  That everything is working against us.  We ask if this will pass and if God stills knows us and loves us.  While in our heads we know that this will pass and God is love and loves us dearly, in our hearts we do not feel it.  This was me for so long.  I could not feel God's love, I didn't feel his presence in me at all.  I felt all alone that I couldn't talk to anyone about it.  But slowly I have been coming out of  that dark place.  When I fall back into like I did the past couple of days, this song reminds me that God will come to save me, in fact he already did by sending His only SON as a baby to rescue us.  I do not have all the answers, but I know there is hope.

If you are in a dark place right now, please keep praying, please keep hoping.  It took me almost 9 years to feel God truly back in my life, but it has changed me so much.   These lyrics are my favorite, espicially for us going through IF:

"And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth"

I cannot understand what you are going through anymore than you can understand my journey.  Each journey is different, but we are looking for the truth.  Please know each and everyone of you are in my prayers this advent.

First Monday of Advent: "Only Hope" - by Switchfoot

This is two days late I know, but I have been busy getting a house put together.  Today's song is one I recently heard, it is from one of my favorite movies/books: A walk to Remember.  In the movie Mandy Moore sings it, but I like the Switchfoot version better because I don't picture the love scene as much.

Here is the video:



The Lyrics:
                                                                  

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

A short reflection:

This song never spoke to me about hope before, I just liked the song, but really listen to the lyrics and I feel it speaks to me so much.  There are several lines that pop out at me:

"There's a song that's inside of my soul" - I am no singer, but I feel part of me is bound up inside and cannot get out.  I feel like this is so true for so many of us, whether it is to be a mother, to be a spiritual mother, to make an impact, etc.  For me I feel the best part of me is trapped inside. 

"I know now you're my only hope" - There is the title of the song.  In God alone is our hope, our only hope.  The only way to get the best part of me out is to allow me to do it.  There is simply no other way.

 

"Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again" -  I conitnue to pray that God keeps whispering those plans for me and each one of you.  We will eventually hear them when we are ready and not a moment before.  We can have hope in that, we can have trust in that.

This advent, I am making that my prayer, to have the hope that God will reveal his plans to me, to tear down barriers so I can know Him better.

First Sunday of Advent: Song of Hope (Heaven Come Down)

First Song:  Song of Hope (Heaven come Down)

Running list of the songs can be found here

I have never heard of this song, but when I did a search for Advent songs of hope, this song kept showing up.


 

 And as promised the Lyrics: 

"Song Of Hope (Heaven Come Down)" 

written by Daniel Garth Hamilton;tedd Tjornhom;robert Earl Seay;chase Jenkins;ryan Owens;taylor Scott Johnson.

All things bright and beautiful You are
All things wise and wonderful You are
In my darkest night You brighten up the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down, heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down, yeah

All the things new, I can start again
Creator God, calling me Your friend
Sing praise, my soul to the Maker of the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down, heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Oh, sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down, heaven come down
Just to know You and be loved is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing, sing
Oh, Hallelujah, sing

Sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down, heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Oh, sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down, heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Oh, sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down, heaven come down
Just to know You and be loved is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down, yeah

Heaven come down
Heaven come down
Heaven come down
Heaven come down
Heaven come down

Reflection:

Advent is all about hope.  Hope in the second coming, hope in Christ.  This song reminds us that heaven will come down one day and we are to be ready for Him.  

My favorite lines:

In my darkest night You brighten up the skies
A song will rise

those two lines remind each and every one of us that even when we are surrounded by darkness, Christ will lighten up our lives and a song will rise out of our lives.  We might not know what that song is yet, but it will rise if we allow Christ in.  This song reminds us to keep looking up and know that God is near.

New liturgical year goals and For Advent: Songs of Hope

Last week the priest suggested we take this week to set liturguirical new year resolutions.  To spend this year browning closer to God.  It happened that I found in my unpacking a handy little book called 7 habits of a good Catholic.  I was thinkingabput trying to add one or two things to my daily habits.  One thing was to spend 15 minutes in prayer. The other thing was spend 15 minutes doing spiritual reading.  I see these to things going hand in hand so that is my resolution. To take 30 minutes to spend reading and praying with Jesus.  

That brings me to advent.  For advent I am making a special goal.  I like to pick a theme to pray through each year.  This year. I have been feeling I need to continue to pray for hope.   I also love music, it helps me to pray. I have a playlist I listen to all the time.   It is my IF playlist.  I have three types of music I that this: songs that are of hope/encouragement, songs of the love Jesus has for us through our suffering, and songs of joy.   It is a good blend.  But I want t beef it up on songs of hope.  So everyday day during advent I will post a new song of hope.  I will probably provide a short reflection on it most days.  I cannot promise to not miss a day. But my Christmas there will be 24 songs of hope.  I will keep a page that has a running list.  

Enjoy the songs, if you have suggestion please comment. I would love a list to get started.  

Giving GOD a chance

*****this post was started on October 1st and finished today.   I have several posts to update , but this has been on my mind a lot****

The title of this post explains my infertility journey  in a nutshell.  What that means has a changed a lot over the years (yes I mean years, it has been 4 years now).  This has been on my mind a lot recently and I need to get my thoughts out.  I was inspired by Rebecca's post as well as so many others.  I hope this gives at least one other person hope and insight about their own journey.  With out further ado here it goes.

Almost four years ago we were officially considered infertile.  We had been married almost a year with no success with charting.  Clearly there was a problem.   After trying progesterone only, progesterone with Clomid for three cycles, it was time for more testing.  Both DH and I were willing to see what was going on.   During this time the desire for wanting to be parents was very strong.  All our friends were having their first and I felt left behind.  I had friends asking when will it be my turn.  It was very frustrating.  I was angry at God asking why?  Giving God a chance was not on my mind but I wanted answers, I wanted to be a mommy.  I was bound and determine to do everything in my power to be one.   I was very self-centered during this time and I didn't really listen to God much.  I begged to be a mommy, I allowed myself to ride the rollercoaster of emotions each cycle.   I thought if I just did this or did that I would surely get pregant. I thought God would work through the medication, but how wrong was I. 

The second phase from August 2012 to May 2013 was with a  fertility doctor at a Catholic OB-GYN practice.  We learned to chart using Creighton, tried different medications, and had hope.  During this time I was still not fully open to surgery.  I was beginning to understand the painfulness of this journey and accepting that i was on it.  I was in denial before, now I began to accept it.  I was no longer putting my life on hold each month.  I was allowing God in a little more asking for guidance on next steps and what to do.  I was allowing God to work using the medication.  But we still did not get pregnant.   Once again after each unsuccessful I allowed myself hope in the next.  I needed hope, why else was I doing this if not for hope.  

June 2013, a retreat that changed everything for me.  My this time I was feeling pretty hopeless, not ready for surgery but needing to do something more that what we were doing.  The retreat for infertility changed everything. I meet people going through the same thing, who had been down the same road I had been on. For the first time, I felt it was all real, I could let out what I had been holding in for so long.  During the retreat I came to understand this cross I carry and accept it. It also showed me that I needed to do more drastic steps.  I was ready for surgery now, I needed to give God the best chance for my body to work.  It was time.

July 2013 to October 2013:   I went back to my doctor who wanted another medication cycle. I was done with that and decided to seek out new doctor.  During this inbetween time, I changed my diet because I needed to do something. I also began to come to terms with the idea of surgery.  The main reason I was willing, I wanted to find out if something was wrong.  I figured at this point there had to be and in order for me to get pregnant I had to do this.  This was my next time, what God needed me to do.  See I was under the impression that God needed me to do.  I think in someways I was right but also in some ways I was wrong.  Yes. We have to work with God's will and corporate with it.  It is part of our free will, but God does not NEED us to do anything for him to work.  He could if He choose get me pregant without the surgery, but he didn't so I had to give him a better chance in a sense.

October 2013 to August 2014:  went to new doctor. She recommend and OWR (see past posts about this).  Had surgery, took three months for cycled to become normal, found out I had LUFS after ultrasound series, meet with doctor to discuss options.  This period was about finding out what was happening with my body both pyscically and spiritually.  It was very hard for me to find out I had LUFS, did not see that one coming. It took 6 months for me to get ultrasound after the surgery to finally determine this.  I also have low progesterone and my thyroid is more messed up then I thought.  I truly felt broken and out of control. It lead me to some of the most spiritual healing in a while.  I just felt so helpless.  At first I was bound and determined to do everything possible to get my body functioning correctly.  I was very hopeless during this time.  I did not believe in miracles, especially for me.  I needed to get on my knees and that is what I did.  In it I found healing, I found life that I was not expecting. My lesson during this period, Gods ways are not my ways.  I thought having the surgery would allow God to work in me so I could get pregant.  Instead he worked in me to heal me spiritually, to tears downs the walls of my halt. I gave God a chance and I found His love.  

September 2014 to present:   I have come to realize that I don't need to do everything in my power to get pregant, God can work a miracle.  I also know that He has great plans for me. I am at a much better place now.  I a, not angry at God for IF.  I am in awe how much He has used it to bring me home.   When I moved to TN, I wanted a fresh start.  I a,giving God a chance to show me what my higher calling is.  I know He has great plans for me.  I am taking a break medically.  We are praying about the right next steps for our family is.  We are making new friends, and I am praying.  I am learning to let go. 

I hope this gives people hope.  Everyone's path is different, but if you follow God's will you will find the path that is right for you.  Give God a chance to work in you.  I did not give Him a chance for a long while.  I thought I could do it on my own, but I couldn't.  None of us can. The wisdom of the church teaches us this.  Her guidelines for fertility treatments allow God to work within the medical treatments. I believe that, it kept me from taking full control.  God can and will work miracles, they just may not be the one you expected.  

  

Thriving in the Midst of Infertility

If you missed my previous post: go here 

The song Thrive has been my theme song recently

It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

As I said in that previous post, this song has sort of been my theme song recently.  It came up again tonight in my reflections.

I live in an area that is very hard to save money, to do anything more that survive.  Yes we are able to give some to the church but my DH and I both work and yet we cannot save due to the cost of things.  We could save some money here and there, but then there would be nothing to look forward.  When the job opportunity came we reflected a lot on how we should be living and came to the conclusion we needed out of our area and this was the way out.

In TN, we both hope to THRIVE.  Not only in our finical situation, but also in life in general.  Right now in our private life we are surviving, we each have a few friends but not really any connections locally.   We would like to make life changing connections to people and plant roots.  We also want to fully live out God's will for our lives, either with or without children and we both independently came to the conclusion that this area we could not do that.   It was time for a change.  

God made us for so much more than how we are living today.  For me this is a very person level due to my past hold me back, but just in general.  On paper we should be happy, we have a nice house (that is under contract!), we are able to enjoy the finer things in life (WINE!), we give to our church, I teach CCD (going to miss that this year), and we are married to each other.  Yet there is something missing.  For me i know it is a deeper relationship with God and my lack of connection to people locally that I can support and they can support me.  

Again going even more deeper than that, we are just surviving infertility.   Most days I can keep my head above the water, but some days I am drowning in it.  I think most of you can relate to the feeling, but this song reminds us the we are called to so much more than that.  We are called to thrive.  How can we thrive when were are in so much pain? so much sorrow? in the deep water?  I wish I had all the answers my dear friends, but I don't.  I know that the only way to do so is turn to our GOD and surrender to His almighty LOVE for us, but I have failed to do that.  Which I think is why this song touches me so deeply.  More deeply than the surface.  Because deep down we all want to thrive, yet most of us our surviving the roller coaster of infertility.   

So I put the challenge out there.  How can we thrive while in the midst of infertility?  

"Thrive"

This song has been my theme song during the past couple of months:
Here are lyrics (bold my doing)

"Thrive" - by Casting Crowns

Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died

Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Into Your word we're digging deep
To know our Father's heart

Into the world we're reaching out
To show them who You are

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Hey!

We were made to Thrive

I promise to reflect later, be sure to add your own reflections on what you think.  I love you here from you!

THANK YOU!!!!!

As September begin and August ends, I owe all you my dear ready a really big:

THANK YOU!!!!!

I really felt your prayers in August.  Here is what happened 

1) DH got the job in Tennessee!

2) I feel at peace of where we are in your journey- we currently taking a break

3) I have been to start the healing of some very deep spiritual wounds

4) I kept my sanity (for the most part) during the waiting period of not knowing and not being in control 

So again THANK YOU for your prayers. 

Unbound: Chapters 1 and 2

I finished chapter one and two of Unbound by Lazano.  (This is in no way promoting the book, i am not paid to do any of this. These are my reflections on this journey I am taking)

Chapter 1: Freedom to Hope

After reading this chapter, I came to a few conclusions, I have not had hope in a long time. I am talking a really long time. I realize that might seem strange, being an IF gal who has done treatments and had some home, I realize now that it was a surface home, not a real hard core, faithful hope.  I cannot remember the last time I had hope.  

After reading through this chapter I realize a few things.  I am resentful of many things.  The biggest thing is I am resentful that the Lord called me away from religious life to married life only to be infertile.  WHY???  Ever since religious life, my prayer life has been non existent.  It has felt like running a marathon for the past 9 years in place without going anywhere.

As I continued to read through the chapter, I realized that i have just enough hope to ask for help.  I am tired of running in place or even backwards, I am ready to move forward.  I also realize that I needed help doing so.  There are many things I am sure will come out as I continue to read this book.  However, one thing that bounds me in my need for control.  I am at a tipping point right now and it can go either way.  I either let go and begin to surrender trust God or I take control.   Which leads me to chapter two

Chapter 2:  Satan has  Plan for your life

Okay after meeting with my spiritual director I finished chapter two.  i realize that if I take control of everything like i want to, Satan is the one in control, not me.  He wants me to turn away from God, not trust and relay on myself.   Like I said I stand at a tipping point.

Progress so far:

So to begin to let go, my spiritual director directed to just tell Jesus my intentions to Jesus.   He also warned me this was not going to be easy it is a long road ahead of me.  But it was time.  So I did, I had a true heart to heart with Jesus.  It was hard, but this is the path I am supposed to be taking, I know it.  This is a time for healing.  Why- because we are sort of at a break point in TTC.  We are working on DH's numbers and my hormones but we are not doing any fertility drugs for a couple of months.  The prayers I have felt trust me.  I don't think I could do this healing without them.  I know this is the next step in my journey.  I have to get back to God and let me take control of me.  

It still has been a rough week so far.  DH still is waiting to hear back about the job, which means I have been a mess.  I had to leave work early yesterday because my stomach could not take the stress anymore.  I have not prayed everyday this week, and I still want to be in control.  But I am try each day.  I am giving it my best effort.  

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS!

A very Quick Update!

Thank you everyone for you kind thoughs and prayers.  Please if you are lurker please comment on the Adopt a Blogger post  so I know who you are that is praying for me this month!

DH and I are doing well and gearing up for a trip to TN for his interview!  Please keep those prayers coming.

On health news, progestrone made me a bit on edge this cycle, never had that happen.  It didn't help that I missed Friday's nights med (LDN, thryoid, progestrione) becuase I was seeing Guardians of Galaxy on a date night!  Oh boy did I feel it all weekend long.  Feeling better now.  DH's so far has been faithful with his pills.  He is so far feeling okay and has more energy than me.

We finsihed our closets this weekend.  Now DH and I have much more functional space and it will show better!  Yay for being productive!

As for my reading Unbound and healing, yeah it has not been happening.  I need some help blog frineds on setting a schedule and getting this done!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful week!  I promise to keep you updated!