Thursday was different. I knew I was in trouble when the priest begins his homily by saying I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the mothers out there. It got worse from there. He goes on to talk all about the joy he has had going to visit new mothers on the hospital and seeing their joy. He goes on to talk about babies as a happy intrusion and how wonderful it is that they are open to life and seeing the visible sign of their union of their love. Then it gets worse.
The priest goes on to talk about all the large families in our parish. How one mother said she will be carrying one in each arm and having two hanging onto her legs. He talks about how wonderful it is to have so many large families. You get the drift.
So my the time he gets to Mary as our Mother I have am completely defeated. I don't even remember the positive message he did have about Mary because I was in tears, yes tears. I don't generally cry at Mass but that day I did. I couldn't even say high to Father after Mass, I was afraid of what I would say to him. Priests need to understand that not everyone can be mothers who want to be mothers and a Homily like that is hurtful. I want a happy intrusion in my life! I want him to come visit me at the hospital and see my joy. I want a large family! My dreams and hopes are shattered every month/cycle. As the time ticks by I know that large family is less and less likely, but I still have to hold onto hope for my first. It is hard. It is painful. I don't need a reminder of that pain when I go to Mass.
I am tempted to write this Priest a letter. He knows me, so I letter might be a good idea to remind him to be sensitive to those of us who cannot have children but are open to life. I know he cannot specifically write a homily for every person in the parish, but I felt very defeated and left out. I am not sure I have the guts to say anything through.
Ladies (and gentleman) I need your opinions! Would you write the letter? How do you deal with Homilies like the one I described? I need prayers as well. I am in the two week wait right now and I am not feeling very hopeful this time. (I will be writing about my disappointing doctor's appointment later as well)
The priest goes on to talk about all the large families in our parish. How one mother said she will be carrying one in each arm and having two hanging onto her legs. He talks about how wonderful it is to have so many large families. You get the drift.
So my the time he gets to Mary as our Mother I have am completely defeated. I don't even remember the positive message he did have about Mary because I was in tears, yes tears. I don't generally cry at Mass but that day I did. I couldn't even say high to Father after Mass, I was afraid of what I would say to him. Priests need to understand that not everyone can be mothers who want to be mothers and a Homily like that is hurtful. I want a happy intrusion in my life! I want him to come visit me at the hospital and see my joy. I want a large family! My dreams and hopes are shattered every month/cycle. As the time ticks by I know that large family is less and less likely, but I still have to hold onto hope for my first. It is hard. It is painful. I don't need a reminder of that pain when I go to Mass.
I am tempted to write this Priest a letter. He knows me, so I letter might be a good idea to remind him to be sensitive to those of us who cannot have children but are open to life. I know he cannot specifically write a homily for every person in the parish, but I felt very defeated and left out. I am not sure I have the guts to say anything through.
Ladies (and gentleman) I need your opinions! Would you write the letter? How do you deal with Homilies like the one I described? I need prayers as well. I am in the two week wait right now and I am not feeling very hopeful this time. (I will be writing about my disappointing doctor's appointment later as well)
Oh how my heart aches for you! I would have been balling my eyes out as well. Our parish is a mix of super liberal families and more orthodox types. I tend to hide in the side pews during Sunday mass. I usually sit in the Mary chapel off to the side- it has 5 very short pews and as luck would have it, I found myself surrounded by probably the 2 largest families in the parish- one in front and one behind me. Oh God has a sense of humor. To answer your question, I would absolutely write a letter to your priest. I think it's wise that you've taken some time to reflect and calm down a bit first. Our emotions are messengers and we can't ignore them but they have to be guided by reason. Like you said, the priest can't write a homily for every person in the parish, but I think your feedback may help him understand the many forms 'striving for sainthood' takes. Big families are certainly to be celebrated but so are the childless couples desperately awaiting their first and resisting the cultures insistence upon IVF, etc. Holiness has more than one face.
ReplyDeleteI would write the letter. Maybe take some time and write several drafts. That is what I have to do when I feel very strongly about something... write a draft, walk away, revise. That way you'll feel good about the final product. But priests REALLY need to hear this perspective. We all have different crosses, but as spiritual fathers to his parishioners, he needs to know about the different crosses. I would have been in tears too... large families ARE beautiful, but Mary herself actually had a very small biological family. Her motherhood is equally profound due to her spiritual motherhood, not just her biological motherhood. There are so many ways he could have touched on the bigger picture (while still offering support to large families AND those who may have families that more closely resemble the size of the Holy Family).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about that homily =( I would have cried too. And I would have left right after too. Homilies like that make me wonder if the priest has never even heard of infertility...to talk at length about motherhood (only the physical kind) and large family without seeming to acknowledge that some of his own parishioners are like yourself, they want to be mothers but aren't...that's so painful.
ReplyDeleteYou could always try writing out the letter and see how it goes. I think it depends on your relationship with your priest and how you think the letter would be received. If he's someone who would be willing to learn and grow, then I'd say definitely do it! I'm sure it's hard for priests to remember everyone's sufferings, and this could be a good reminder of the suffering of IF.
I think Sarah has a good idea about writing a draft and then coming back in a couple of days and rewriting as needed. But I agree that priests need to hear your perspective. Certainly they can't always include all of us, but it hurts me, too, to hear homilies like that, or the fact that married people and religious are always prayed for... but what about me? What about the others sitting in the pew that are already hurting because they don't fit the mold? It's not that he said anything bad, but I think it is good for them to be more aware of those of us that have prayed for years for the large Catholic family and would love nothing more than the chaos of several small children, and yet we wait and know that with each passing year, that dream gets less likely, and since our circumstances are not by choice, it can be REALLY painful to hear such things preached about.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds soooo tough, what a rough week! I think it would be beautiful to share your experience with your priest, maybe even in person if you could. God be with you as you pray and discern. We gave some artciles to our priests before Mothers day this year, regarding infertility, infant loss, etc, and they were very receptive.
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm so sorry you had to sit through that homily, Lora. I agree with everyone above, write the letter and take your time doing it. I hope it goes well! You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so so sorry Lora! What you've just described is the exact reason why I have missed mass on most Marian feast days the last couple of years. I intend to go, I mean, I go to Daily Mass almost every day, so it's not out of the ordinary, but then it's time and I just can't. I'm quite sure the only reason I made it this year was because I knew I was going to Fr. D's parish and I knew it'd be safe.
ReplyDeleteJust. so. sorry. :(
And yes, I agree with the others, write the letter, but take some time to do it. Continued prayers for you!