Third Monday of Advent: "Lord I am ready now" by Plumb

This is a song new to me.  This is about how I feel right now, when we  do surrender, we need to trust that God will take care of us:

The Video:



The Lyrics:

I just let go

And I feel exposed

But its so beautiful

Cuz this is who I am

I've been such a mess

But now I can't care less

I could bleed to death

Oh Lord I'm ready now

All the walls are down

Time is running out

And I wanna make this count

I ran away from you

And did what I wanted to

But I don't wanna let you down

Oh Lord I'm ready now

Lord I'm ready now

You called my name

I turned away

But now I

Am listening

I was so caught up

In who I'm not

Can you please forgive me?

I've nothing left to hide

No reason's left to lie

Give me another chance

Reflection:

For me, when I finally admit that I need help (like I did last week) this is how I feel.  I feel exposed, vulnerable, ready to go back in my shell.  That is why I acted so quickly last week.  Why I wrote an update, why I called a therapist, because it was time.  The walls are falling down around my heart, but they can go up just as quickly.   Every time I am at this place a want to make it count but it never does, I always fall back.  I beg God for another chance to make it right.  I am tired of the cycle and I need it to stop.  Being IF has brought out the worst of me.  It has made it hate myself in so many ways and feel so useless.  It has made me angry again at God over and over again.  But I am slowly crawling out of that.  I am seeking help.  I am ready to move on. 

There is a line from Lord of the Rings that always gives me comfort.

I did not choose to be IF, just like my DH did not choose to have problems as well.  It is what it is.  There was a time I allowed that to control my actions and I think we all need to do that at some point.   If I didn't I would not know what I do now.  But there comes a time that we must choose how to deal with IF.  I think everything handles it different and there are stages for sure.  I am in the stage of learning what it means for me as a wife and a mother.  I don't know what my next steps are but I must accept it and allow God to help me.  That is how I am choosing to deal right now.  I am ready to  heal and be a better person.