Chapter 1: Freedom to Hope
After reading this chapter, I came to a few conclusions, I have not had hope in a long time. I am talking a really long time. I realize that might seem strange, being an IF gal who has done treatments and had some home, I realize now that it was a surface home, not a real hard core, faithful hope. I cannot remember the last time I had hope.
After reading through this chapter I realize a few things. I am resentful of many things. The biggest thing is I am resentful that the Lord called me away from religious life to married life only to be infertile. WHY??? Ever since religious life, my prayer life has been non existent. It has felt like running a marathon for the past 9 years in place without going anywhere.
As I continued to read through the chapter, I realized that i have just enough hope to ask for help. I am tired of running in place or even backwards, I am ready to move forward. I also realize that I needed help doing so. There are many things I am sure will come out as I continue to read this book. However, one thing that bounds me in my need for control. I am at a tipping point right now and it can go either way. I either let go and begin to surrender trust God or I take control. Which leads me to chapter two
Chapter 2: Satan has Plan for your life
Okay after meeting with my spiritual director I finished chapter two. i realize that if I take control of everything like i want to, Satan is the one in control, not me. He wants me to turn away from God, not trust and relay on myself. Like I said I stand at a tipping point.
Progress so far:
So to begin to let go, my spiritual director directed to just tell Jesus my intentions to Jesus. He also warned me this was not going to be easy it is a long road ahead of me. But it was time. So I did, I had a true heart to heart with Jesus. It was hard, but this is the path I am supposed to be taking, I know it. This is a time for healing. Why- because we are sort of at a break point in TTC. We are working on DH's numbers and my hormones but we are not doing any fertility drugs for a couple of months. The prayers I have felt trust me. I don't think I could do this healing without them. I know this is the next step in my journey. I have to get back to God and let me take control of me.
It still has been a rough week so far. DH still is waiting to hear back about the job, which means I have been a mess. I had to leave work early yesterday because my stomach could not take the stress anymore. I have not prayed everyday this week, and I still want to be in control. But I am try each day. I am giving it my best effort.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS!
Thank you for this honest reflection. It's helpful for me to hear where you are and what you're doing to get to a better place b/c I feel like I'm right there with ya! I have a long way to go too. Looking forward to hearing more!
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is to give it your best each and every day. I hope you will be able to take some time with your DH and find a way to relax while waiting to hear back about the job; it is so tough waiting to hear about a new position.
ReplyDeleteprayers! That sounds like a great book. I'm going to have to look it up.I can definitely relate to your feelings about hope, I am in the same boat. I recently took an assessment that came back showing suppressed anger and a wary attitude about my goals/hopes for the future. The result made me sad, but it was true.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Thanks for writing! God bless you!
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