Assumption of Mary

I wanted to write something, anything about Mass on Thursday.  So to go to my Parrish can be painful enough with all the large families around and pregnant women, but normally I don't cry, I can focus on the alter and I am good.  We stopped doing donuts afterwards because I cannot eat them, so it has been good.

Thursday was different.  I knew I was in trouble when the priest begins his homily by saying I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the mothers out there.   It got worse from there.  He goes on to talk all about the joy he has had going to visit new mothers on the hospital and seeing their joy.  He goes on to talk about babies as a happy intrusion and how wonderful it is that they are open to life and seeing the visible sign of their union of their love.   Then it gets worse.

The priest goes on to talk about all the large families in our parish.  How one mother said she will be carrying one in each arm and having two hanging onto her legs.  He talks about how wonderful it is to have so many large families.  You get the drift.

So my the time he gets to Mary as our Mother I have am completely defeated.  I don't even remember the positive message he did have about Mary because I was in tears, yes tears.  I don't generally cry at Mass but that day I did.   I couldn't even say high to Father after Mass, I was afraid of what I would say to him.  Priests need to understand that not everyone can be mothers who want to be mothers and a Homily like that is hurtful.  I want a happy intrusion in my life!  I want him to come visit me at the hospital and see my joy.   I want a large family!  My dreams and hopes are shattered every month/cycle.  As the time ticks by I know that large family is less and less likely, but I still have to  hold onto hope for my first.  It is hard.  It is painful.  I don't need a reminder of that pain when I go to Mass. 

I am tempted to write this Priest  a letter.  He knows me, so I letter might be a good idea to remind him to be sensitive to those of us who cannot have children but are open to life.  I know he cannot specifically write a homily for every person in the parish, but I felt very defeated and left out.  I am not sure I have the guts to say anything through.

Ladies (and gentleman) I need your opinions! Would you write the letter?  How do you deal with Homilies like the one I described?  I need prayers as well.  I am in the two week wait right now and I am not feeling very hopeful this time.  (I will be writing about my disappointing doctor's appointment later as well)

Catching up

I realize that I haven't written much about what is currently going on with me.  So for this post I am taking a break from reflecting and talking about the present and future.   Since I seem to have a lot to say, I will do it in bullet form. 

• I go to Dr. C. on Friday.  I am a little nervous because we were unable to do the SA earlier.  I am making DH come so he can explain why it did not get done.  I am also hoping that she will move forward in planning.  I have a list of things to discuss with her that I want her to comment on or do.  It might be time to go a different route and go to a NaPro doctor instead.
• I had a great weekend spending time with other couples in the same page as me from my Facebook group.  The host, Stephanie from Chateau d'IF at first thought I was crazy to come.  We had to drive almost 4 ½ hours to get there, but we had a great time.  In my area it could take 4 hours just to go 60 miles, so the drive was worth it.  The food was awesome and I could eat 90% of it!  (More on that later).  It was awesome spending more time with Rebecca from The Road Home!  She was so kind to let us stay at her house and I needed the extra girl time.  She is an awesome women who inspires me. 
•  My diet is going great, almost too good.  I have lost a little too much weight but I feel great.  I am doing Gluten/Soy free.  I love cheese and ice-cream to much to give those up.  My thyroid seems to be responding as well. 
• We are going on vacation at the end of the month and I can’t wait!  One week at the beach is exactly what I need right now.  Work has been very difficult lately, there has been a ton of changes that I am feeling very looked over and worried about.  I moved desk about a month and a half ago and since then I feel out of the loop.  Also I am having major self-esteem issues because I am not being asked to do things that I feel I can do and should be doing.  Not only that but my immediate supervisor is hard to talk to and does not always answer e-mail.  I am grateful for the job but I am quickly getting bored and frustrated with it.  I don’t need my work to be stressful!  I quit teaching because of the stress level and self-esteem issues and now it is coming back.  I know there is a logical explanation for everything, but I feel left out and like I have done something wrong.  It is not helping me heal and certainly not helping my confidence with IF.   I over analyze everything and make connections that are not there. 
•  I am taking a 3-week class on the Mass and I love it.  In fact I might be crazy but I am thinking about getting my catechist certificate because it would help me teach CCD and I just love learning about my faith.  It is so interesting and I like being in school, it give me purpose when I come hope instead of just sitting around watching TV. 
• Finally I get to see my spiritual director on Sat.  I cannot wait to talk to him and get insight into everything that has been going on.  I will differently write something about next week. 

 That pretty much is what is going on.  I ask for prayers as always.

Middle School sucks!

Middle school is such an awkward age for anyone.  I was a middle school teacher and I saw that everyday.  Everyone wants to fit, everyone wants to get by, and everyone just wants to be "cool."  That "cool" has changed a lot over the years.  But this blog is supposed to be about me, so time to plunge into my middle schools years.

I was walker had been since kindergarden.  I hated walking to school because the boys that lived in my neighborhood also walked (obviously) and would tease me on the way to and from school, at school and anytime they saw me.  What did they tease me about you ask?  My speech.  Remember in my last post how I said I need to pick up my cross, well I reason I left it behind was simply because it hurt to much and I thought I grew out of it.  I look back and I didn't let my speech stop me.  I just didn't.  I started riding horses more and I loved it, I made friends that stuck up for me, and I just got by.  Yet every tease hurt, every laugh cut into me, every comeback I did made it worse.  How do I know, because it stills hurts today.

The logical, adult me says it was just them fitting in.  But my heart hurts.  It set up me up to question everything.  It set me up to feel vulnerable when I have to speak, it set me up to question when I cannot do something.  It has me asking, can I do this?  This cross is fundamental to who I am today, yet I never truly allowed myself to carry it fully, because it hurts.  It hurts because of how much pain it caused me in middle school.  I don't even know the wounds anymore because they are deep and scarred over.  

Deep down I just wanted to be accepted for who I am, but instead I tried to do things to make me more likable.  I did not accept who I was, I did not accept that my speech problems were part of me, that I need to be careful what I said, slow down, and work on it.  Sure I had to go to speech but I hated it.  I just wanted to avoid it and pretend it was not there.  But it is, still is, and will always be.  

So now, as I face IF, I know speech has nothing to do with it, but IF is a cross as heavy as this one.  God was trying to help me carry it, preparing me, and I choose not to carry it.  I choose to move on without it.  It is time I carried it.  it is time that I surrender and let God help me carry it.  It is too heavy, and my scars are too deep to carry it on my own, so I surrender God.  I accept this cross, help me to carry it.

The cross is healing, I know that.  This cross that I now accept will help heal the wounds.  It will help make me whole, it will draw me closer to God.   This cross helps me see that middle school wounded me and shaped me in ways that I don't even know.   I need to heal and move on, if I ever want to be able to help middle and high school students, I need to be stronger then them. 

I am so fragile right now, I am in so much pain.  But it is a good pain, it is a healing pain.  It is me accepting who I was and who God is making me to be.  I need to carry this cross, because while it is heavy it is my cross to carry.  

I ask for your prayers as I continue this healing journey so that I may love more.

Picking up my crosses 1 at a time

I know it has been a while since I posted.  I have been doing a lot of thinking/praying recently about my past, my present, and my future.  I have been pretty busy and haven't had to time to put into words all my thoughts floating around in my head.  I did journal a few times (go me!) but what I write here is more general, more thought out sometimes.

In my last post I talked about being in the garden and the need for healing.  I read an awesome quote today from scripture "When Isreal was a child, I loved him,... Yet it was I who taught E'phraim to walk, I took them up in my arms; but they did not that I heal them." (Hosea 11:1, 3)  God is saying he takes me up in his arms to heal me yet I am unaware.  Wow that is how I feel right now.  That even through this path I take does not feel like healing but of pain, God is with me, healing me as I go.  I know that it takes time to heal and I just need to trust. 

I have been looking back on my past and realize that there is a trail of crosses that I have chosen to leave behind and not carry.  I might have carried a few of them for a time, but when they were too heavy or just not wanted, I left them behind and moved on.  Yet, Jesus tells us to pick up our crosses.  So I realize in order to carry my current IF cross I have to pick up all the other crosses I have left behind.  God tried to prepare me for this, but I did my own thing.  But now I see that I must pick up these crosses.

My first cross I must pick up is the cross of my speech.  With that all the pain it caused me and all the rejections because of it.  Not everything that I was told NO to was as a direct result, but some are.   It did cause be to asked not to lector at church!  It did shut many doors during my discerning religious life, and it DID cause the unmistakable scars from middle school. 

That is the topic of my next post... middle school.