Agony in the Garden
It has been over a week since I have even thought about most things. I am in the stage of better let things be and not think about it. However, that is unhealthy and not helping me towards my goal. My goal of healing, of seeing me as me and seeing good. On my way home from work as I was praying a rosary, I was mediating/thinking about the Agony in the Garden. That is where I am currently. I am in the Garden with Jesus, but I am not at the point of asking God to remove this pain if he is willing and accepting it if he is not, I am just in the sorrow. I am just in the pain. I don't want to accept it, yet I am not even asking God to remove it, I am just there. I don't know how else to describe it.
One day, I will ask God to remove it or I will accept it, but not today. Today is just the pain, just the sorrow. Just the darkness I see when I actually take time to look inward. I don't know why this darkness is there, but it is so hard to get out of. When I take time to try and look at it, really look at it, I just see black. I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to start, it just all around me. I know I need to take time to look into more and heal. So much healing to be done. I am going to write the ways I need to heal, each post I hope to address each one
- Middle school years - I was the kid that everyone picked on because of my speech. I need to look at this and heal so that I can one day help middle school/high school students.
- High school/college - Just some friend stuff and being told I couldn't be an RA
- Asked to leave the convent - This one will take many, many posts. I need to look not only at the journey to get there but my time there, I need to let go and not be angry anymore
- Failing as a teacher - After teaching for four years unsuccesfully, I need to let go instead of holding on
- All the times I have been told no in little things- no explanation needed, we have all been there
Notice I left out infertility. Infertility is just another cross I bear. One that I am not ready to address (that whole just being in the garden thing. I need to address all this past stuff. One thing as I address the past I must do so with lens of healing and seeking God's love. The past is the past, I have gone to confession for my mistakes and I am forgiven, but the scars are still there. I know this journey is bleak, but it is one I must take, so I can see the good in me.
Please pray for me as a make this journey. I hope to post at least once a week.
Prayer:
"Lord, open my heart to see myself as you see me. Help me to trust you, Lord that is there is a part of me that I cannot see. Lord open my eyes."
That prayer came after a tearful, emotional session with my S.D. I have an awesome spiritual director who has seen me thick and thin. I always look forward to talking to Fr. E.A. but this past Saturday was just what I needed. It was my first chance to talk to him about the amazing retreat I went on three weeks ago, in fact I surprised him because I didn't get a chance to tell him about it. He was amazed about how much I had changed for the better. After telling him all about the retreat the amazing revelations I had during it, the topic came up about how I am healing.
I was talking to him about how a lot of what is coming up stems from my infertility and how it is too much to bear. I quoted him one of my favorite movies, "A walk to Remember" , Jamie says a line that has been resonating in my heart this week "I don't need a reason to be angry with God." I basically feel like that, yet I have so many reasons to be angry, to not what to trust, to not want to turn to Him, when I need him the most. I was doing okay, I moved on from being devastated, I moved on, I got married, we bought I house, we want a family, yet God gives me another cross to bear. One that makes me realize that I am not okay, that I am not the person I am being called to be, that I buried that person 8 years ago and have not looked back.
Infertility has made me realize how much I feel like a failure, how much I feel useless, how many mistakes I made. That is where the prayer came from. I once saw that women who God created to be lovable, to be joyful, to do His work, yet I have buried her so deep inside. Now all I can see is my failures, and I can't see that person who I know is in there. It is like the best part of me is trapped. I cannot see any good right now.
Father asked me who was trapped, but would she look like. As I started to talk about her, I realize that my dreams, my desires, are real. What I long to do is not possible right now, yet I can use this time to heal. I can dig deep and heal wounds. I can open scarred over wounds that never healed probably to heal. My pastor made a good point on Sunday. He said only look back so that you can love God more and see his Mercy. That is what I need to do. I need to find God's love me again. It is the same love that called me to explore religious life, it is the same love that allowed me to forgive a friend, it is the same love the brought me to Chris. It is all around me, but I have a hard time seeing it right now.
So I must continue on, trusting God. Yeah that trust word. That in itself is hard for me, but I know in my head that I can trust Him, I just need to let that trust work its way down to the heart. So in this waiting period in life, I must use it to heal, to become whole again. I must not waste this time, I must allow healing to happen.
I ask for prayers for all who read this. My journey is just beginning, I know that, but I have come so far already. I am new to this scene, but know I am praying for each one of you as well.
