The title of this post explains my infertility journey in a nutshell. What that means has a changed a lot over the years (yes I mean years, it has been 4 years now). This has been on my mind a lot recently and I need to get my thoughts out. I was inspired by Rebecca's post as well as so many others. I hope this gives at least one other person hope and insight about their own journey. With out further ado here it goes.
Almost four years ago we were officially considered infertile. We had been married almost a year with no success with charting. Clearly there was a problem. After trying progesterone only, progesterone with Clomid for three cycles, it was time for more testing. Both DH and I were willing to see what was going on. During this time the desire for wanting to be parents was very strong. All our friends were having their first and I felt left behind. I had friends asking when will it be my turn. It was very frustrating. I was angry at God asking why? Giving God a chance was not on my mind but I wanted answers, I wanted to be a mommy. I was bound and determine to do everything in my power to be one. I was very self-centered during this time and I didn't really listen to God much. I begged to be a mommy, I allowed myself to ride the rollercoaster of emotions each cycle. I thought if I just did this or did that I would surely get pregant. I thought God would work through the medication, but how wrong was I.
The second phase from August 2012 to May 2013 was with a fertility doctor at a Catholic OB-GYN practice. We learned to chart using Creighton, tried different medications, and had hope. During this time I was still not fully open to surgery. I was beginning to understand the painfulness of this journey and accepting that i was on it. I was in denial before, now I began to accept it. I was no longer putting my life on hold each month. I was allowing God in a little more asking for guidance on next steps and what to do. I was allowing God to work using the medication. But we still did not get pregnant. Once again after each unsuccessful I allowed myself hope in the next. I needed hope, why else was I doing this if not for hope.
The second phase from August 2012 to May 2013 was with a fertility doctor at a Catholic OB-GYN practice. We learned to chart using Creighton, tried different medications, and had hope. During this time I was still not fully open to surgery. I was beginning to understand the painfulness of this journey and accepting that i was on it. I was in denial before, now I began to accept it. I was no longer putting my life on hold each month. I was allowing God in a little more asking for guidance on next steps and what to do. I was allowing God to work using the medication. But we still did not get pregnant. Once again after each unsuccessful I allowed myself hope in the next. I needed hope, why else was I doing this if not for hope.
June 2013, a retreat that changed everything for me. My this time I was feeling pretty hopeless, not ready for surgery but needing to do something more that what we were doing. The retreat for infertility changed everything. I meet people going through the same thing, who had been down the same road I had been on. For the first time, I felt it was all real, I could let out what I had been holding in for so long. During the retreat I came to understand this cross I carry and accept it. It also showed me that I needed to do more drastic steps. I was ready for surgery now, I needed to give God the best chance for my body to work. It was time.
July 2013 to October 2013: I went back to my doctor who wanted another medication cycle. I was done with that and decided to seek out new doctor. During this inbetween time, I changed my diet because I needed to do something. I also began to come to terms with the idea of surgery. The main reason I was willing, I wanted to find out if something was wrong. I figured at this point there had to be and in order for me to get pregnant I had to do this. This was my next time, what God needed me to do. See I was under the impression that God needed me to do. I think in someways I was right but also in some ways I was wrong. Yes. We have to work with God's will and corporate with it. It is part of our free will, but God does not NEED us to do anything for him to work. He could if He choose get me pregant without the surgery, but he didn't so I had to give him a better chance in a sense.
October 2013 to August 2014: went to new doctor. She recommend and OWR (see past posts about this). Had surgery, took three months for cycled to become normal, found out I had LUFS after ultrasound series, meet with doctor to discuss options. This period was about finding out what was happening with my body both pyscically and spiritually. It was very hard for me to find out I had LUFS, did not see that one coming. It took 6 months for me to get ultrasound after the surgery to finally determine this. I also have low progesterone and my thyroid is more messed up then I thought. I truly felt broken and out of control. It lead me to some of the most spiritual healing in a while. I just felt so helpless. At first I was bound and determined to do everything possible to get my body functioning correctly. I was very hopeless during this time. I did not believe in miracles, especially for me. I needed to get on my knees and that is what I did. In it I found healing, I found life that I was not expecting. My lesson during this period, Gods ways are not my ways. I thought having the surgery would allow God to work in me so I could get pregant. Instead he worked in me to heal me spiritually, to tears downs the walls of my halt. I gave God a chance and I found His love.
September 2014 to present: I have come to realize that I don't need to do everything in my power to get pregant, God can work a miracle. I also know that He has great plans for me. I am at a much better place now. I a, not angry at God for IF. I am in awe how much He has used it to bring me home. When I moved to TN, I wanted a fresh start. I a,giving God a chance to show me what my higher calling is. I know He has great plans for me. I am taking a break medically. We are praying about the right next steps for our family is. We are making new friends, and I am praying. I am learning to let go.
I hope this gives people hope. Everyone's path is different, but if you follow God's will you will find the path that is right for you. Give God a chance to work in you. I did not give Him a chance for a long while. I thought I could do it on my own, but I couldn't. None of us can. The wisdom of the church teaches us this. Her guidelines for fertility treatments allow God to work within the medical treatments. I believe that, it kept me from taking full control. God can and will work miracles, they just may not be the one you expected.
